Do You Control & Divert Your Turn-On?

by Dr. Saida Desilets

Do you believe you need to do something about your turn-on?

Whether it’s taking “sexual action” or “shutting down”?

What happens when you ache with desire? Guilt? Discomfort? Delight? Nothing?

How we relate to our turn-on reveals how deeply enmeshed we are with our ‘domestication’ as women.

Let me share a recent, intriguing experience I had with my hair-stylist.

She’s young, gorgeous, and brimming with new sexual wisdom that she gleaned from having partly read a book on Tantra & Chakras.

In her desire to help me live a better life, she suggested that I should “sublimate my turn-on” [to sublimate is to control or divert] so that my sexual energy could become spiritual energy.

I was intrigued, for many reasons, as you can imagine [she doesn’t know what I do for living].

I love my turn-on.

I love to feel intensely turned-on to the point of aching.


Because it feels delicious. And it means that I’m deeply alive.

I also love my essential nature, the deeper wisdom of my own Spirit.

I’ve never considered my own sexuality or ‘aliveness’ separate from my ‘essence’ or Spirit.

I’ve always thought: if spirituality is ‘omni-present’ would it not be inclusive of all things? Infusing it’s brilliance right down into my deepest sexuality?

Why then, would I then intentionally divert my ‘turn-on’ (the physical experience of being LIT UP WITH LIFE)?

Beneath her words of wisdom, lies a few underlying assumptions that also seem to permeate our modern-day Neo-Spiritual movement:

  1. Sexuality isn’t Spiritual.
  2. Feeling turned-on, we risk making ‘out-of-control’ choices.
  3. It’s better to be “seen as” a spiritual woman, rather than a sexual one.

Too many of us walk around either repressing our ‘turn-on’ or ‘relieving the sexual tension’ that emerges with being turned-on, the second it arises.

I personally love the middle road…

Where I get to fully enjoy and be responsible for my turn-on.

Where I get to choose if and when to express it and with whom.

Predominantly, I’m more intrigued with sexual tension than sexual release.

Not because I don’t absolutely love meeting God through epic pleasure, but because it’s the electrical pulsation of the ‘tension’ that fascinates me.

However, the issue here is not only the adverse affects of domestication on our capacity to be conscious in our arousal, but also the pressure we experience in attempting to make sense of the sexually polarized world we live in.



On one hand, we condone fast release, where most examples of sexuality come from Media and Porn, imprinting our instinctual minds with “Quick, Hard, & Intense” sex.

Where our heart is often over-ridden.

Where our need for release is greater than the need to feel and see who we actually are with.

Then, on the other hand, we equally portray repression, whether it be for religious reasons or simply due to having low self-esteem, both preventing us from being natural with our turn-on.

It’s “Bad, Dirty, Evil, Wrong”.

Or simply inconvenient or non-existent.

Our very lifestyle burns out our inner fire.

Yet the middle road, the choiceless choice, is neither reactionary or deadened.

It’s simply our naturalness.

Our turn-on tells us we are alive.

It moves us towards life.

By respecting it and enjoying it, we can expand our capacity to experience this electrical charge for longer and longer periods of time.

And when we choose, we have the resources to create powerful, transformational and rejuvenating sexual experiences, whether we are alone or partnered.

Perhaps a better question to ask ourselves about our “turn-on” is:

Do I project my desire onto another and dis-own it?

Or do I become obsessed with what I believe is ‘externally’ responsible for my desire?

And… do I use shame, on myself or others, as a way to ensure ‘proper’ behavior?

Your desire is your own.

Claim it.

Own it.

Love it.

Be it. You’re alive. Right now. So make the most of feeling deeply lit-up.

If owning your turn-on and being responsible with it intrigues you, I’d recommend starting with my book, the Emergence of the Sensual Woman.

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